Category: writing

Novels · writing · Writing & Creativity

Hello again…

Tori LennoxLeave a comment

As I said in my last post, I uploaded my latest historical romance, Back from the Shadowlands, three weeks early. While confident I wasn’t changing anything in the manuscript or the cover, I’ve been on pins and needles waiting for the novel to go live today. Until you get that message from Amazon and D2D, there’s no guarantee there won’t be some last-minute issue. There wasn’t. So, I’m at peace, and on to other things like writing this post which isn’t about BftS, or the fact the novel went live without a hitch. It’s about writing as I promised.

I hit a brick wall two days ago with my latest contemporary romantic suspense. It’s about a third to halfway finished depending on how certain undefined elements weave through the story. I thought I was writing a “romance” with a touch of danger thrown in, but the characters aren’t happy with their lives being so simplistic. The bad guy is a real you-know-what so they feel there is more to the tale than I wanted to spin. Two or three books more. As ideas develop on the periphery and I learn where this story is headed, the words will start flowing again. This isn’t a presale, so I’m comfortable waiting as long as it takes to write a good story.

Since things aren’t coming together as quickly as I’d hoped with Cassie and Neil, I’ve moved on to a different idea so far out of my wheelhouse that it should frighten me. It doesn’t. I didn’t think I could write contemporary novels. My bestselling novel is a contemporary romance. I never believed I could write romantic suspense. Toxic Illusions placed in an RWA contest before it was ever published. I didn’t think I could write fanfiction, and I have. The next genre I’m tackling is a Regency time travel romance with a touch of murder thrown in. Yes, you read that right. Just reading the words out loud sounds screwy, and I have likely lost my mind, but this novel isn’t a presale, so I have time to flesh out the series.

While I have a straight regency romance on the back burner, this strange idea has thrown down the gauntlet and I’m just off-beat enough to accept it. I like the touch of humor already appearing in this story, I like the quirky characters that are developing, I like the twists and turns beginning to appear in the outline, and I adore the fashion and ridiculous cant. Honestly, I like the touch of murder as well. Overall, I like the challenge of discovering whether I can take this idea and write a believable (right!), enjoyable story most of all. I believe I can and that’s half the battle.

However, I can’t say how my immensely talented designer will feel when I request a book cover featuring a male protagonist wearing a stylish Regency gentleman’s outdoor ensemble standing beside a female protagonist wearing a modern English riding outfit minus the jacket. If I know Melody, she’ll roll with it and produce something fabulous that won’t need a single change right out of the gate. Especially since I’ve already chosen my models from an image site. I’m fortunate to have discovered her work years ago, and I’m grateful she still accepts my commissions now that she’s in such high demand.

Until we meet again,

Tori

Novels · writing · Writing & Creativity

It’s been too long…

Tori LennoxLeave a comment

And many apologies. Let’s just say real life can be personally/physically/mentally challenging at times but it’s the little things that make us strong. Enough said.

Let’s start by saying I’ve renamed my first blog to reflect a change in direction to be geared more toward writing instead of random commentaries. The second blog I attempted for that purpose was a total mess. Again, many apologies. I went in like a bull in a china shop and ended up somewhere I never meant to be…

Enough with acknowledging I’m less than perfect which is true, and on with the story. I wrote a while back about the difficulty I had writing the sequel to The Wolf and the Warrior. First, I had some temporary physical challenges that interfered with my productivity. If that wasn’t enough of a distraction, the story outlined from start to finish in my head refused to be written. Yes, I said the STORY refused to be written. I don’t know if any of you writers are as nutty as I am, but I’ve had a couple of books that “dictated” how they would be written and how the story would be told. This was one of them.

While my contemporaries are light beach reads that aren’t that difficult to write, my Golden Wolf Series historicals are anything but easy. The difficult novel in question was the second book in this series. When I realized I would never get Back from the Shadowlands out in July of 2024 as promised, I wasn’t sure what to do. Eventually, I pushed the release date to October 24, 2024. Amazon wasn’t too happy with my actions. I wasn’t either because I still wasn’t sure the novel would be finished in six months.

After making that decision I had no choice but to step away from the novel until the characters decided to share their tale. Once I stopped pressuring myself to write the story I’d outlined, Thor and Alexandria started sharing a different series of events and the book started flowing again. No, my characters don’t literally talk to me although I do converse with them aloud at times especially when I need to experience an emotionally charged scene I’m writing about.

I’m happy to say that once I started “listening” to Alexandria and Thor, the novel was finished ahead of schedule. While it isn’t the novel I meant to write, it is the next installation of their story as it was meant to be told. I’m always nervous about a new novel coming out, but I think I’m a bit more nervous because this novel is so different from The Wolf and the Warrior. The characters are the same, but the events are different. We’ll see what happens after the twenty-fourth. While nerve-wracking, rolling out another story is exciting, too.

In closing, my intent is mainly to share my most serious writing challenge to date and its resolution. While I thought this was writer’s block in the beginning or burnout from writing too many books too fast, it took me much too long to realize that wasn’t the problem at all. I don’t know how many people write as I do, but my characters are very real to me. Even more so in my historicals than my contemporaries. I ignored that fact and spent several unproductive months trying to force my characters into a story I thought would be exciting to write. While that story may get told one day, it won’t be with Alexandria and Thor. It wasn’t their story, and they didn’t fit. Sometimes a writer just needs to listen to the whispers in her head.

In closing, I believe next week’s blog will be about the contemporary romance suspense I’m writing now.

Until next time,

Tori

Novels · writing · Writing & Creativity

I haven’t disappeared…

Tori LennoxLeave a comment

I’m just living in that no-man’s-land between creativity and despair.

Not really. It’s nothing so dramatic. I’m torn between finishing the novel I need to finish and working on the book that’s calling my name. That’s why I haven’t written anything here. I’ve been trying to get my focus where it needs to be and it’s been difficult for a week or two. Between some minor health issues and navigating some major revisions I need to make in this novel, it’s been a fight to get the words to flow. However, that’s how it rolls sometimes. The good news is I’m finally over the first hump and the novel is flowing again.

However, I’ve started to feel like a smarter course of action is to do that one last read-through on the finished contemporary that’s ready to go and submit it. Even if it gets turned down, at least I have something with potential in a publisher’s hands while I’m editing and re-editing the novel I believe will get me somewhere. Yes, I’m an overthinker. While self-publishing and self-promotion are my go-to moves if this fails, the child within me still wants that publishing house contract in hand. It’s not an ego thing. It’s seeking the fulfillment of a life-long dream.

As I sit here on a rainy, cool Florida day watching the squirrels, painted buntings, and cardinals wreaking havoc on my back patio, I know pursuing my desire to write for a living is within reach. While I’m not the best writer out there, nor do I aspire to be, I have come to realize I have a niche. At least for my contemporaries and romantic suspense. I enjoy writing easy beach reads that are more sensual than explicit or erotic in nature. In a world where most romance writers are more MA than M, my stories have more to do with emotions and second chances than they do with crazy physical passion and perfect love.

My historical/historical romances are a different matter. While some of them are in a lighter vein like my contemporaries, the series closest to my heart is raw. Having spent my life studying ancient and medieval history, I try to suspend my 21st century values to recognize what made a good man or woman back then was vastly different that what makes a “good” person now.

My stories aren’t about judging or whitewashing characters to make them fit the sensibilities of modern readers. They’re about portraying life and relationships as they were or as close to it as my research and my imagination can get. While Thor would just as soon kill you as look at you under certain circumstances, he has an honor code that is very real. While Alexandria can wield a sword as good as any man out of necessity, she’s not just a warrior maiden. She’s a strong, maternal, protective woman who does what she has to do to save her people. While desperation drives both of them to do things they wouldn’t normally do, there are still things they won’t do. Lines they won’t cross and so on.

Anyways, I’m trying to get all the fluff-in-stuff I enjoy writing out of the way so I can throw on some Journey or Foreigner and focus on my Golden Wolf. My passionate love affair with crafting historical novels/historical romances with enough romance to appeal to woman and enough action to suck a man in is just too much fun to let fall by the wayside for too long.

As usual, I’ve ended up somewhere I didn’t mean to go. That’s okay. I mainly wanted to say I’m still out here and I will be writing again. Since this post has taken me several days to write, things have changed a little from the beginning. I did submit that book I was talking about to a publisher and I also submitted the pitch for a second contemporary romance at the same time. Say a prayer for me. No matter what happens, it was the right thing to do. I’m eagerly awaiting the response knowing I’ll be okay either way.

As I bring this post to close, I’ll be back soon. Hopefully writing about writing; but you know me by now. I tend to go all over the place. There’s just something so alluring about all those mental butterflies flitting about in my head that I get lured into pursuing them. That’s not a bad thing. It keeps me younger than my chronological age which is definitely a good thing. I’m so lucky I have the best of both worlds. I’m still vibrant enough to pursue my youthful flights of fancy and grounded enough to stay focused on getting novels written in a timely manner. It takes a certain maturity I didn’t necessarily have in my youth to tune all the temptations out and do what has to be done which is why you haven’t heard from me in much too long. I’ve been tuning out those distractions and this blog is a tempting one.

Anyways, I’ll write soon and thank you for reading. It’s an honor to share my insanity.

Until next time,

Calla

Been There, Done That Part 2 · observations · writing

Whatever the “New Normal” is…

Tori LennoxLeave a comment

My life hasn’t changed that much. I doubt it will. For the past few weeks, I’ve gone to work, come home, and worn a mask when I needed to. Not all that different from the way it’s always been (mask excluded). Not from my perspective. Maybe that’s because I’ve never been “normal.” I’ve spent most of my life on the outside looking in. Feeling more “different” than I probably was. I’m sure a lot of us feel that way at some point in our lives.

However, if you spent any time around me, you’d quickly realize I wasn’t your typical teen-aged anything. For one thing, in spite of my avid pursuit of fashionable clothes, makeup, and hair, I had less innocuous interests as well. All you had to do was skim my reading material to see that.

Tucked among the stacks of dog-eared second-hand Harlequins, historical romances, and fantasy novels, were various archaeology, science, and psychology magazines. Tucked among those were the requisite Cosmo and Glamour just to keep me girlie. Smacked untidily on top of all that you’d find the latest Han Holzer book recounting his most recent paranormal investigations. While I straddled the fence between belief and disbelief, I tilted more in the direction of wanting to believe in things that go bump in the night. You know, ghosts, poltergeists, vampires, werewolves, and aliens. I was young and I enjoyed poking around in crazy places.

However, in spite of my tendencies, I’ve never taken other people’s opinions or facts as my own. I’ve always done my research. So, in spite of what I wanted to believe, I’m not a true believer. I wasn’t then and I’m not now. There are more “things” on earth and in the Heavenlies than we’ll ever understand in spite of our on-going efforts. That includes all the people shouting their beliefs to anyone who will listen without offering reliable proof that isn’t twisted to suit their purposes. I occasionally watch those shows, too, and I have for close to thirty years. I’m not trying to step on anyone’s toes here. I’ve devoted my life to studying ancient and medieval history across multiple cultures and disciplines. I stay pretty up-to-date on the latest discoveries in a lot of different fields that have nothing to do with archaeology. I’m a curious person.

It ‘s never enough to make a statement to the effect of “Is so-and-so true?” then conclude with, “So-and-so say, yes.” as if it’s definitive proof about ANYTHING in life. Just because someone says whatever doesn’t make it true and, yes, I still believe in absolute truths that aren’t fluid. Call it my age, my personality, or my life experience. I call it my need to be fixed in a reality that doesn’t change with the wind and trending opinions. I’m still a “truth-seeker” in a world where absolutes aren’t popular. That doesn’t mean my opinions don’t alter or change as I uncover new information. They can and they do. That’s how we grow and mature as human beings. It’s a valid part of the human experience.

In this age of technology and impatience, we don’t necessarily want that experience. We’re much too easily swayed by what we “google,” see on the news, or read on social media. We don’t take the time to do the in depth research necessary to make informed decisions for ourselves. We rely on others to do that for us.

The problem with that is we’re all biased in some way or the other. Some of us operate in the open; others operate from hidden agendas. That’s just a fact of life. That’s why it’s so important we think for ourselves from an informed position. We can’t blindly follow the herd or get trapped in our fears. I’ve always thought for myself; but, for years, my actions and reactions were influenced by deeply buried traumas and fears. I suspect a lot of us are flopping around in that boat on stormy seas without even realizing it. I never did.

Getting back to my original topic, you’d find my stash of mythology and astrology books under my bed and on my desk. As far as I was concerned, there was a kernel of truth in those myths and I was a “truth-seeker.” I’d go where the research took me. As for the Astrology books, they were empowerment. If you’ve read some of my past posts, you already know I believed if I knew what might happen, I could stop/control what did happen. That mindset is a devious deception that will lead you into making the very decision propelling you into the situation you’re trying to prevent. Again, that attitude is fear based and fear makes you stupid. I know what I’m talking about. I lived with that mindset for many years.

From my present perspective, the best defense against bad things happening is to remain calm, learn from your mistakes, and make wise decisions based on solid research and careful considerations. If you’re a believer, that involves prayer and seeking God’s counsel. If you’re not, it’s a little trickier. My advice is to seek the wisdom of someone you respect and trust who makes the kind of decisions that keeps their life on a positive track. Another thing I’ve learned from experience is, if there’s a voice in your head shouting not to do something, don’t do it. Bluntly, a “what the hell” moment isn’t worth the literal Hell that decision usually leads to. Again, I’ve been there and done that way too many times. Sometimes seemingly bright people can be stubbornly stupid. I’m a case in point.

So, on with the post, and my “magic” bookshelves loaded with everything from raunchy historical romances to books on ancient cultures, UFO’s, and the nineteenth century Spiritualist movement. I was into everything from psychology to black holes. If something had a paranormal or a supernatural bent, I was interested in knowing more. I still am, just from a different perspective. So much of my life was permeated by the Supernatural. It still is. Again, from a different perspective.

However, at that time my seemingly “innocent” pursuit of knowledge and my need to control my life led me deeper into darkness. I learned to cast Astrology charts and read Tarot Cards. I consulted Psychics trying to find stability in my unstable world. As crazy as it sounds now, while I knew I was trafficing in areas I shouldn’t, I didn’t think I was doing anything “wrong.” Maybe not for some people; but, definitely wrong for me and I felt it deep inside. But, I was selectively blind. I was someone who would never touch a oujia board or read ancient spells from a cuneiform text in a history book because I didn’t want those negative words in my head; but, I’d consult a “Christian” medium who spoke words from some “spirit” that scared the heck out of me? What’s screwy about this picture? For the record, I never went back to that woman.

I’m going to wrap this up by saying I was a very lost, confused woman for a lot of years. That’s really what my next book is about. How confusion, low self-esteem, and fear led me down occultic paths that influenced my real-life decisions in destructive ways that reinforced my sense of worthlessness. Even when I walked away from those influences, it took me years to get free of the residual effects. I see that now.

That’s what’s so wonderful about these posts. They take me places I never meant to go. Reveal realities I’d yet to see. Yes, I ramble, and I apologize if that drives you crazy; but, I don’t write from an outline with a succinct message. I write from my heart and soul in the hope I can help myself, as well as you, make sense of an often senseless world.

I’m sure I’ll revisit this topic again; so, until then,

Calla

Been There, Done That · emotional healing · observations · writing

Just Another Strange Moment in my Strange Little World….

Tori LennoxLeave a comment

When I decided to write my blog, I promised myself I wouldn’t write from negativity. That isn’t to say there aren’t “ugly” moments in my posts. There are. That’s part of the second promise I made myself. The one where I agreed to be brutally honest about my life, my journey, and my struggles to be a happier, healthier me. While I occasionally post silly pictures of my dogs, I strive to write more meaningful pieces. Ones I hope will get “liked” not for the ego stroke: but, because that’s how I know I’ve struck a chord with someone and, hopefully, impacted their life for the better. At the least, I’ve made someone think, and that’s important, too.

Before I go any further, since this post will be hitting new social media outlets I’ve never used before, I should inform any new readers I’m a Charismatic Christian at this point in my life. While I try to write from a more general viewpoint, I don’t hide my personal feelings. I’ll also say I haven’t always been a practicing Christian or a Charismatic. I was raised Southern Baptist although I was rarely in church. I’ve lived most of my life as a non-practicing believer. I should also say I’m not trying to convert anyone. You choose your belief system just as I chose mine. What I’m trying to do is make my readers think, abandon destructive habits, live a more content life, and not make the same mistakes I’ve made. One of us living through forty years of emotional Lo-debar is enough.

I’m writing this piece to that end and I’ll admit it’s a little on the odd side. I decided to put my thoughts to “paper” a couple of days ago while I was out walking and praying. I felt God was telling me to write out what I was feeling and thinking in that moment. To confront the last of some ugliness I laid to rest a long time ago. There’s something about putting your thoughts to paper that’s liberating. Words have power on so many levels. So, I’m taking His suggestion and doing that. Putting words to paper.

Just as I did with Been There, Done That…Had the Smashed Up Face to Prove It, I’m writing openly and honestly with no apologies. As I type this, all I can say is welcome to Calla’s strange little world. Strange in the sense that I’m writing a letter to a person who will never see it. Or, more accurately, I don’t think he will. Honestly, I don’t care if he does. This isn’t about him.

It’s about me and the person I left behind when I finally accepted my worth was never defined by the mental, physical, and sexual abuses I’ve endured over the years. It’s about hindsight revelations and emotional freedom. About writing from honesty, vulnerability, and strength. Changing your self-perception involves embracing all three. I know that from experience.

I wasted forty years of my life believing the lies spoken over me. Don’t get me wrong, I never had a victim mentality through it all. I was always a survivor; but, I was handicapped. The secret to my survival wasn’t the healthy mindset that I wasn’t responsible for other people’s actions – They were. – I honestly never saw that. The only reason I made it through the darkness was because some ornery part of me refused to die, commit suicide, or be destroyed even when I wanted the nightmare to end.

With hindsight, I was incredibly stupid and I could have ended my ordeal years before I did. I admit that now. Over the years I was fantastic at dishing out common sense advice that helped a lot of people. It would have helped me, too. If I’d been willing to take it. I wasn’t. By the time I had any wisdom, I’d already accepted I was nothing.

You see, I believed the father who told me I would never be what my Mother was. Right. Never believe the man who abused you. I believed the teachers who told me what I couldn’t do or be. They were wrong; but, I didn’t know it. When everything was said and done, I believed I didn’t matter. Other people did. That’s how I lived my life. For other people. That’s one of the worst mistakes you can make. Yes, take care of people. Give them the love and respect they deserve. But, expect the same love and respect in return.

That’s something I never did…especially when it came to the so called “love of my life.” While I called him that in my mind for many years, I don’t any longer. For one thing, I’m not sure such a person really exists for a lot of us. Sometimes, it’s more of a romanticized idea encompassing the one that got away. While I do believe a lot of people are blessed with healthy, happy long-term romantic relationships, it’s not a given.

It wasn’t for me. Hence, I’m confronting the truth, and laying the fantasy to rest through the following letter:

Dear Ghost From My Past:

You weren’t evil. Not truly. You were just as emotionally damaged as me in ways that weren’t apparent. Not in the beginning. By the time that truth manifested, I was in too deep. While I wish I’d been stronger, I wasn’t. I was flattered a vibrant, successful man like you would pursue a nobody like me instead. I didn’t know what you saw in me back then. I still don’t…not fully anyway.

What I do know is beneath that handsome, successful demeanor was a man with inferiority issues of his own. You wouldn’t expect the women in your life to “prove” their love if you weren’t. While I see that now, I didn’t then. I saw it as an emotional vulnerability resulting from a failed marriage and the loss of daily contact with the children you loved. As I pieced your story together over time, I realized the truth of the matter.

I also realized, we were doomed from the start. We were far too different to last. You wanted someone to love you. I needed someone to love. You were never faithful. I was. I thought you were my savior. You betrayed me instead. Being with me helped you navigate difficulties in your life. Being with you turned me into someone I didn’t know. That wasn’t your fault.

Since I chose to stay, it was mine.

That being said, I’m happy to say I see you through very different eyes today than I did then. With the passage of time and healing, I no longer see a knight in dented armor. I see a weak man worthy of pity. I see a man who found it easier to sneak, lie, and cheat than deal with his intimate relationships honorably. To end one dating relationship before beginning another. I see the man who taught me to never say never as in, “I’d never do that.” and the one who taught me to like myself even less than I already did. It’s not your fault I chose to stay when I found out I was “the other woman” when I thought I was the only one. It doesn’t matter you weren’t married, only dating. It was still dishonorable and destructive to everyone involved.

In the end, I see the relationship I wanted to work that I’m glad didn’t.

I also see the relationship I romanticized until I finally didn’t.

So, in closing, Ghost From My Past, you’re nothing more than the memory of a lesson well learned. I’ve laid the sorrow, guilt, and wistfulness to rest in the wake of seeing truths I should have seen long ago. Mainly, we were bad for each other.

Here’s wishing you all the best,

Living in the Present

If you’ve made it this far, all I can say is I hope you found something valuable in what I’ve said. Something along the lines of, “If your significant other asks you to do things that compromises your values, makes you uncomfortable, or causes you emotional pain walk away.” It’s not a relationship worth pursuing. It doesn’t matter if you’re a man or a woman. Healthy relationships are never built on lies, cheating, or demeaning words or actions. I’ve been there, done that, and reaped years of emotional repercussions.

Until next time,

Calla

writing

Writing – Today and Yesterday….

Tori LennoxLeave a comment

As I’ve already said, I enjoy walking in the warm sunshine preferably by a wooded pond where I can enjoy the wildlife hanging out there. Most of the time, that means squirrels and lizards as far as the eye can see. Sometimes I’ll see an Egret or a Heron. Most days I’ll see Cormorants and Muscovy Ducks. The other day I startled a mama Wood Duck with her tiny ball of fluff duckling. Needless to say, they moved like greased lightening getting away from me. In fact, I saw more of their tail feathers than anything other part. I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time.

When I’m not enjoying the critters on those walks, I’m usually thinking about writing. What I’ve written in the past, what I’m working on now, and what I hope to write in the future. It’s such an integral part of me that I can leave the creative process for months, even years, when real life takes me away; but, I always come back. Sometimes I’m amazed at how much my writing and storytelling styles have changed over the years. Part of that has to do with how writing styles have changed over they years in general and part of it has to do with how much I’ve changed over the years. What hasn’t changed is the reality I have to write. Go through the creative process. I’m miserable if I don’t.

As I’ve already said, I recently rescued a cache of novels I thought were lost forever. That was the high point of the pandemic lock down for me. The other high points were spending most of my time with my Mom and those long walks in the sun. That phase is ending since I return to work tomorrow. While I’ll miss being home with my family as crazy as that sounds, the change is better for my writing. I tend to procrastinate and/or have writer’s block when I have too much time on my hands or too many interruptions. When I know I have this sliver of time and not a second more, I get the job done. I’ve had crazy writing times in the past where I’ve written 20,000 words in a handful of hours. The words were flowing faster than I could type and I type pretty fast when I have to.

Those hyper-productive moments are rare. Usually, I set a modest goal and a time limit if I’m working on a new novel. My go-to goal is 2000 words if I only have an hour or two to devote to my story. If I make it, great. If I don’t, I’ll do better next time. Crafting a believable story with engaging characters matters more to me than making some imaginary goal I set for myself. The take-away is writing should be fun, not frustrating, and sometimes the characters just aren’t talking. That’s when I usually find myself working on a couple of novels. If one isn’t talking, the other usually will.

The only time I found myself not able to write due to the stresses of real life, I wasn’t sure I’d ever write again. I hadn’t hit a lick at a snake where writing was concerned in over eight years. I wasn’t sure I ever would. However, I couldn’t imagine not being able to do what I loved best. The possibility was emotionally devastating. I had to do something to get back in the groove. To reawaken that fire.

About the time all hope was lost, my newest obsession came along. I fell in love with The Mentalist television show and discovered TM fanfic on fanfiction.net. I’d read fanfiction before so I knew it existed. I just hadn’t bothered reading anything in a very long time. Once I rediscovered that guilty pleasure, it wasn’t long before reading other people’s stories sparked me to write fanfic of my own.

I spent several years writing Mentalist stories on ff.net under the pen name Calladragon. Some of it was good. Some of it was nuts. All of it was fun to write. I won’t claim it was my best work. It wasn’t. My stories were raw. There were typos in spite of my best efforts at editing. I tended to see what was in my head over what was actually there.

Added to that, I honestly wasn’t interested in presenting polished work. I was interested in just getting something finished and up in the small amount of time I had to write. My ability to craft anything was just coming back and I didn’t want to lose it. While I haven’t written fanfiction in several years, it still thrills me to get the occasional Favorite/Follow or review in my email. As imperfect as they are, those stories are still my babies. I poured a lot of heart, sweat, and tears into every one.

While I wouldn’t post most of those stories in the state I wrote them today, I did what I needed to do back then. Today, I’d do like I do with my novels. I’d edit and edit and edit for weeks until I was satisfied I had done all that was humanly possible to catch the errors. Six or seven years ago, that wasn’t possible. I still have unfinished stories on that site I hope to finish eventually. One day I might return to that guilty pleasure. Right now, I won’t. I’m rewriting one old contemporary romance, completing a second contemporary romance, and outlining Been There, Done That Too so my plate is full. My heart is full. I’m doing what I love best…enough said.

This feels like a good place to stop so I will. I suspect my future posts will be about writing. As I’ve said several times, I tend to hop all over the place depending on what’s captured my interest at the moment. Until next time,

Calla

Been There, Done That · Been There, Done That Part 2 · Life in general · writing

Taking The Next Step

Tori LennoxLeave a comment

As you already know, I’m living under the same stay-at-home-order so many of us are trying to handle. How you choose to deal with this unfamiliar, unpleasant “brave new world” is up to you. Personally, I’m trying to stay safe, keep others safe, pick battles I can win, and be at peace with the insanity I can’t change. Sometimes that’s hard; but, I can’t be content if I don’t try. So, I try, and when I fail, I try again.

I don’t have a choice. No. There’s always a choice. I don’t give myself a choice. There are so many unknowns right now. So many scenarios we need to handle carefully with a degree of wisdom and prudence not everyone possesses. Myself included. We’re living through something none of us have experienced in our lives and it’s hard. Crippling if we let it. This whole situation is like that recurring nightmare you can’t quite escape. The one you have night after night until you either deal with it or decide you don’t want to sleep any more. The big difference is we will escape this one eventually. It will end. We might have to modify our lives for a while; but, we can do it. We’ve done it before. Throughout the life of this country.

If you don’t know I’m speaking truth, look up the real history of this country. Not the Revisionist history that’s taught today if it’s taught at all. Yes, we’ve done bad things in the past. Every culture has. But, that doesn’t negate the fact this country was settled by strong people who fought through bad situations. I’m speaking of both the Native Americans and the European settlers. Both had to roll with a lot of tough situations they couldn’t control. Yet, they persevered.

We can do the same today. If we’re willing to do what it takes. Whether we accomplish that goal or not is up to us as individuals. For me, that’s where prayer comes in. I pray our leaders, all of them, act with wisdom. I pray we the people act with wisdom and consideration for others. That isn’t the easiest thing to do. Where I am, I see a lot of people acting foolishly. When I do go out, I stay as far from everyone as possible. I wear my mask and my gloves. Not just to protect myself and my Mom. To protect the people who don’t protect themselves. The flip side of that coin is when I go walking in my neighborhood I pass a few people here and there along the way. We always wave or smile silently acknowledging each other in passing as we maintain social distancing. I respect those people for being responsible as we all should be.

As I write this blog, I realize I sound like a person I’m really not. I’m not a cheerleader. I can be when I need to be; but, that persona is foreign to my more introverted, scholarly demeanor. However, I’ll admit I’m writing this post as much for myself as for my readers. I could struggle with depression if I allowed it. I won’t. If you’ve read Been There, Done That…you know I spent most of my life in self-loathing and depression. I refuse to go two steps forward and ten steps back. I refuse to be that person again. When I find myself slipping, I cry out to God and give myself a swift mental kick in the rear. I remind myself I’m not “her” anymore and I have positive things to do.

Like writing the next book in the Been There Series. It started downloading yesterday the way it should be. I’m just starting; but, the flow is natural which is everything. If I can’t write in an open, honest way that touches the heart, I shouldn’t write. It doesn’t matter whether I’m writing a novel or my life story. Again, this book will be part two of my life story. It’s dealing with my dabbling in the Occult. I’m not really interested in writing about how wrong that is from a religious standpoint. I’m more interested in exploring how what I was doing and believing preyed on my weaknesses and fed my self-loathing. How I thought I was controlling my life when I was, in reality, being controlled. That’s all I can really say at this point since I’m just starting the book.

Anyways, I’ve said enough for now. Somewhere back around my first blog, I admitted I would go all over the place in my posts and I think this one shows I have. In reality, unless I’m focusing on writing a book, my thoughts are all over the place. I’m fifty-five; but, there’s a part of me that will always be that little child chasing butterflies that light here and there only to move on to the next flower in the blink of an eye. I tend to flit from subject to subject absorbing as much as I can before I move on. I’ve finally accepted that’s who I am just as I’ve finally accepted I’m a legitimate author even if I haven’t been published by a major publishing house. Not yet. But, I believe that’s coming.

Until next time,

Calla

Life in general · writing

Best Laid Plans…

Tori LennoxLeave a comment

It seems like the universe is continually conspiring against me getting this blog going the way I’ve promised. It isn’t. It’s just life with it’s ups and downs. Since I last updated, my Mom had a mild stroke in the middle of March and made a miraculous recovery. However, she couldn’t stay alone once she was released from the hospital. That meant I had to come home temporarily. My job wouldn’t give me paid family leave since my Mom is actually my ex-mother-in-law I’ve lived with for the past thirteen years. I understood; so, I elected to use my vacation instead of taking an unpaid leave. Not ideal; but, workable. Again, things were stacking up; but, they didn’t seem insurmountable. Not yet.

In the midst of this mess, the world got Covid-19. Like most of us, that led to a whole new can of worms for me. Things like my hours got cut at work before I took my leave, my paid vacation suddenly became unpaid furlough when our hours were cut even more, and finally my employer closed temporarily due to a stay at home order for all non-essentials. Like millions of other Americans, I suddenly found myself with no income struggling to get through to unemployment for weeks with little success.

Anyways, if the world’s current craziness wasn’t enough, my Mom had a sudden, serious Potassium crash on Sunday. She ended up back in the hospital until they got her stabilized enough to come home. I brought her home late Tuesday afternoon. She’s slowly recovering her strength and doing well. However, I’m having to do far more for her temporarily than I did before this happened. So, once again, my time isn’t my own.

In the midst of all of this, I did try to write three blogs. I failed miserably. I just didn’t have anything positive or edifying to say. I do now. As much as it sounds like I’m complaining, I’m not. I just want you to know I’m writing from the same kind of challenges so many of us are suffering at the moment. As overwhelming as the last five weeks have been, a lot of good has come out of it.

First off, all things considered, my Mom is doing wonderfully. I finally got the overflowing “junk” room otherwise known as our den/living room restored to it’s former pre-renovation glory. I cleared the garage of unnecessary “garbage” and neatened it up. I replaced the box springs on my bed Hurricane Allie destroyed as a puppy. While my bedroom isn’t fully set up, it’s getting there. So, like the people in my neighborhood working on their yards, I’m slowly getting things accomplished. Just inside instead of out. I’m also taking care of my Mom until she can take care of herself again.

Added to all that, I finally got around to editing and reposting a contemporary romance I’d posted on Amazon a couple of years ago and pulled down. It needed a serious overhaul for a lot of reasons. I also found my cd’s with all the novels I’ve started/completed over the years when I was packing up my old bedroom. The significance of this is I lost all of that work when my computer crashed unexpectedly six years ago. I thought I’d lost twenty years of work forever. While I kept the hard drive, I haven’t had the extra money laying around to pay someone to see if it was possible to retrieve any of my work.

I still thought all was lost even after I found the cds. In a dumb moment I started to toss them since my last two computers didn’t have built-in cd readers anymore. Thankfully, I didn’t. I bought an external cd reader instead. Honestly, I’d forgotten they even made those things until I started to throw those cds away for the second time. Fortunately I remembered reading about external readers when they were just coming out. I don’t think I put two and two together because I’d forgotten I’d made those backup cd’s years ago before Cloud and the like existed.

Thanks to resisting two “stupid moments” I now have a completed historical romance to edit plus three other novels in the series to complete. I also have a completed romantic suspense I’m going to edit and submit to a major publishing house. That one was a third place finalist in a Romance Writers of America contest a few years ago so it’s worth submitting after a good edit. I also have several other historical novels in various states of completion on those discs – seven or eight novels total. I’m still pinching myself to make sure this really happened. It did.

I guess the whole point and purpose of this blog is to say hold on and don’t give up hope. Good things are happening in the midst of all the trauma and drama. Grab a hold of those little things that give you joy. Appreciate your family and your pets. Appreciate having too much time for a change. Know this will end and things will get better in time. Find the little positives and cling to them when all of this seems too much. If you’re a person of faith, don’t lose it. God knows what we’re going through. While my journey through years of a personal hell brought me back to the Christianity of my youth, everyone’s journey is their own. I respect that.

The point of this blog is to say stay strong, cling to the little things, don’t lose hope, keep fighting, and we’ll persevere in the end.

Calla

Been There, Done That · writing

While it isn’t much in the big scheme of things, today is a day I celebrate…

Tori LennoxLeave a comment

I haven’t posted here in a while because I’ve struggled for a good three weeks to get my paperback up on Amazon. The struggles went on long enough I pulled my ebook off because I wasn’t sure how this was going to turn out. I started to internally debate whether I wanted to put this book out there at all. I began to question whether God wanted this book out there. Sometimes it’s easier to doubt myself than it is to stick in my purpose.

That’s an old pattern and old patterns are hard to break. I’m still working on that one.

The “funny” part of the whole exercise is nothing was insurmountable even if it felt that way. Nothing was catastrophic. Nothing necessitated rewriting my manuscript or doing anything drastic beyond working out a few formatting issues on my side and letting Amazon work out the “invisible” issues on their side. For the most part, the delays were caused by my ignorance and a slew of annoyances hiding in plane sight.

First, I accidently screwed up the cover size. My designer fixed that in a few days. Lesson learned. Next time, I’ll send over the page count from my Word Document; not the Kindle Version. Score one for the newbie mistake. While this isn’t my first self-published book, it’s been a couple of years since the last one and things have changed a lot. I didn’t have any major trouble that time around. Just some formatting issues I was able to fix.

This time was different.

It was one miniscule issue after another. Things you’d never think of in a million years like an extra space here or a missing period there. Not in the actual block of text on Amazon mind you. On Bowker, on my book cover, NOT on my book cover…The list went on and on! The poor guys at Amazon were saying, “Oh, I remember you. I talked to you three days ago.” I felt sorry for them having to deal with me. I’m sure they thought I’d disappear once the last change updated only to have me on the line as soon as it was done (3-4 days later).

While I’m sorry to put you through the “Poor Me!” session, it does have a purpose. As much as I didn’t enjoy the drama, I learned so much. I wouldn’t undo a minute of it. There were new formatting issues I finally figured out and editing tricks I explored. There were secrets to making my manuscript look more professional I hadn’t been able find with my first book. The list of positives goes on and on. However, none of that’s really important in the big scheme of things.

The significant thing I learned by pushing through all of this is I’m not the woman I used to be. As often as I second-guessed myself and contemplated just tossing the project, I couldn’t. The old me would have taken it as a sign and walked away in the early days. Again, I couldn’t. I wouldn’t break that promise to God. I’d agreed to get the book out if He would help me write it. He did his part. I had to do mine, so I did. The book is out there. Eventually, I’ll get around to promoting it. Right now, I’m taking a day or two to step away, relax, and get my head on straight. This has been a trying few weeks.

As I said so many times in my book, I can’t separate God from my life. He’s too much a part of me. However, that doesn’t mean you have to share my beliefs to get something out of what I have to say. The whole purpose of today’s entry is just to acknowledge I see yet another difference between the person I am now and the person I was a year ago.

That woman would have given up and walked away. She wouldn’t have gone through all the phone calls with the techs and all the time spent combing through the manuscript time and again searching for problems she couldn’t find. She would have concluded there was something wrong with her or something wrong with her manuscript. She would have found some fault within herself for why this wasn’t working as it should have been. She would have taken it as a sign and quit. I’m not her and I didn’t let my self-doubts tank me. Yes, I had them. However, unlike the past, they didn’t have me.

I decided instead to aggravate the heck out of those techs until they found the crappy little problem that was derailing the whole thing. Once they did; they fixed it and all was well. The solution was as simple as copying my book title from Bowker and pasting it in the title line on KDP. Don’t ask me what the miracle was. It didn’t look any different than what was already there. Not to my eyes. However, there must have been something I couldn’t see.

In the meantime, I decided to make a couple of other changes as well. Simple things like not hiding behind a Calla Lily on the off chance someone might recognize me. I am who I am. My life is my life. I’m not ashamed anymore.

Until next time,

Calla