It’s been a while since I’ve written although I did post a page yesterday. I’ve been busy completing my novel over the last month or so. I should have it submitted by the end of next week. We’ll see what happens after that. Once I’m done, I’ll probably take a short break before I start the next book just to clear my head and do “fun” writing like, say, my blog. Maybe work on a couple of those unfinished fanfic pieces. Who knows? While I’m focused when it comes to projects, I tend to be more rambling in my more casual pursuits.

None of that is really important in the big scheme except I’m adding a podcast into the mix. Again, I don’t know what the subject matter will be. I’m giving the same warning I did with my blog. What I talk about will vary with my mood. I’ll probably start with a few of my past blogs that were liked. From there, I’ll move on to new things. Most of those “things” will probably revolve around life lessons and emotional healing. Those seem to be the blogs that catch the most interest.

For this first endeavor, let’s get acquainted. Hi, I’m Calla. Not my real name of course; but, short for Calladragon, my pen name on Fanfiction.net. I’m from South Carolina; but, I live in Florida now. I’ll be 57 in June so I’ve been around the block a few times and that’s what I’m most interested in sharing. The lessons I’ve learned the hard way. That’s not everything I’ll “talk” about – but, it’s probably a big part of it. While I can’t tell you precisely how to heal your traumas because I’m not you, I can share my story in a very open, honest way I would have found both embarrassing and humiliating a few years ago.

I’ve come a long way in the last five years. I’ve reached the point where I understand part of healing is taking responsibility for my part in what happened to me. It doesn’t matter if it’s something as simple as choosing to do something my instincts screamed not to do. I did that so many times and I paid in blood every time. Sometimes literally. As stupid as that makes me sound, I’m a well-educated, intelligent woman. I’m just like so many of us and I didn’t learn from my mistakes. Part of that was because my self-worth was destroyed as a child, the other part of the equation is I tried to fit in when I was different instead of valuing those differences.

I’m not making excuses for my behavior, just making statements of fact with the clarity that comes from hindsight. The sad truth is most of us don’t learn from our mistakes. Not immediately. That being said, I’m not victim blaming. I’m telling you the first step to dealing with your trauma. Take responsibility for your part if it’s just, “I walked into the grocery store to buy a quart of milk at the wrong time,” and forgive yourself for it. Then acknowledge you’re not responsible for what someone else chose to do to you and forgive them. That’s hard to do. Actually, both of those things are hard to do. However, you can do it if you persevere. I did. It took me years to forgive myself and to forgive others. When I finally did, I realized that was the key to healing and restoring my self-worth. To walking away from depression and self-loathing.

That’s probably the kind of thing I’ll talk about in my own words in my own voice. Eventually. That own voice thing is a big step for me since I don’t like how I sound on recordings. Right now, I want to get my mind around the idea of a podcast and practice a little bit before I take the plunge to record my own work.

The only other thing I think you should know is something I’ve already disclosed in past blogs. I’m a Charismatic Christian. Don’t let the Christian part turn you off. I haven’t always been one and I’m not trying to convert you. I want to reach anyone who’s hurting no matter your belief system. Honestly, that’s what I’m supposed to do – share the love in my heart with you. That doesn’t mean I have to hold the same belief system as you. That doesn’t mean I expect you to believe exactly as I do. It’s just an important part of who I am and I don’t apologize for it. It’s also an integral part of my personal healing journey. When I finally decided I wanted to believe Jesus loved me in spite of how little I valued myself, that gave me permission to attempt loving myself. It took a lot years of confronting abuse to crawl out of the abyss into the warm sunshine but I’ve finally done it.

I’ve rambled enough for now. Thank you for letting me share my thoughts.

Until next time,
Calla