You probably already know I’m critter crazy and I love my nature walks. That’s when I do my praying and just bask in the sunshine and wildlife – squirrels, turtles, birds, egrets, ducks, herons and cranes. Citified wildlife, not the foxes, possums, deer, etc., I grew up with in the country in SC; but wildlife all the same. Anyways, my walks aren’t quite the same right now because of the recent death of my best friend. Mentally, I’m in that strange place you wallow in when you’ve lost someone you care about. Not a parent or a child or a spouse; but a close friend you always hoped would be here.
I say hoped because my best friend had serious diabetes related health issues from childhood, so I knew in that way you “know” that he likely wouldn’t live to old age. However, I didn’t really think about his demise unless he brought it up. My friend’s pessimistic world view and negative attitude about his health didn’t help him. In all the years we knew each other, I never impacted his outlook to the degree I would have liked. I don’t believe that would have changed if I’d in the same town with him as I used to be. If we’d seen each other face-to-face often as we used to do. More likely my more positive attitude would have become more negative thanks to his influence. However, that doesn’t mean I loved him any less. We always accepted each other for what we were unconditionally the way you do with heart friends.
Bad experiences with doctors and a brittle disease led him to poor choices like not consulting his doctor when he should have and not embracing some treatment options that might have helped. I believe those things contributed to his early death. The thought he might still be here finishing his novel if he’d been a little less stubborn makes me sad. However, it was his life and his choices to make. Robert lived his life his way. I’ll always love and respect him for that. His was an honorable life well lived and I can’t be upset about that.
However, that doesn’t mean I’m not struggling in other more selfish ways that aren’t tied to missing my friend. In a world where you can be surrounded by people and still be alone, I’m struggling with the reality I basically am alone. All of my real family and my oldest friends are gone. My home is now no longer home. I don’t mean my home here in Florida with my “mom.” I mean South Carolina, my home state and my hometown. With Robert’s death, I no longer have any tangible, emotional connection to my home state beyond being born there. It’s no longer my emotional safety net because my friend is there. He isn’t.
As a result, I’m in the midst of mentally accepting the reality Florida is no longer my home just because I happen to live here; but Florida is home-home. I don’t see myself ever leaving now. It’s where I have family and friends. Where I’ve started over and built a new life that I’m happy with.
I know this is a weird post; but my headspace is weird right now. At least a little weirder than usual. On the one hand, I’m happy because I’m making progress with getting my books ready to publish. On the other, I’m dealing with the reality you can’t count on all those Plan B scenarios we all work out in our head. It’s better to just live your life prepared to roll with the punches and land on your feet as best you can. I can tell you from experience that when you hit rock bottom, you honestly don’t have anywhere to go but up as long as you don’t quit. Not that I’m at rock bottom. I’m not. I’m actually in a good place overall. Just thinking a bit too much. What else is new?
Anyways, things aren’t all gloom and moodiness. I saw the sweetest sight on mom’s swing yesterday – Daddy Cardinal feeding Mommy Cardinal sunflower seeds. As precious as that sounds, it was more like, “Here, Darling, let me ram this big seed in your mouth like the good mate I am.” They’re so funny to watch because that’s exactly what they did to the baby last year – cram seeds in his mouth and stand over him until he ate his meal like a good little automaton. I love my Cardinals. They’re a beautiful pair although they both get a little scruffy when they have a baby in the nest!
See you next time,
Calla
Tori Lennox Author 