Or we lose everything. I believe that with all of my heart. I haven’t posted anything relevant to emotional healing in a couple of months because I’ve been in a dark place that has nothing to do with Covid-19, work, or any of the normal stressors we’ve all been wading through. I knew I couldn’t share encouragement when I was drowning in negativity. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I’d given up in the midst of the battle. I hadn’t. I was temporarily overwhelmed by a sea of grief and depression caused by events beyond my control.
On June 9th, 2020, I caught my purse in the door and twisted wrong on my way to the car. By the time I arrived at work. I could barely walk. I spent the next five weeks out of work in incredible pain. Three months later I’m finally coming out of the inflammatory flare and resuming a more normal life. If that wasn’t enough, my five year old dachshund was hit with sudden onset Addison’s disease. She was in a severe crisis at the same time I was barely mobile. Allie ended up in the veterinary hospital for a couple of weeks receiving the appropriate treatment. While I checked on her every day, I couldn’t see her because of Covid-19. Not until she took a turn for the worse and her Vet called me in to see her. To make a long story short, five weeks ago I was holding my pup on my lap discussing treatment options on a Tuesday night and unexpectedly putting her to sleep the following night. It hurt so bad to lose that dog I thought my heart would literally burst. Thankfully, I was off the next day and I was fine. However, by the time I got to work on Friday, I wasn’t. I suddenly couldn’t talk. Actually, I could talk, just not coherently. My speech was garbled. While I knew what I wanted to say, I couldn’t get it out coherently. I scared the heck out of my bosses. Eventually, we determined I hadn’t had a stroke. I’d just finally reached the end of what I could take.
Between my Mom’s fall in October, the bedroom/bathroom renovation, working full time, Mom’s stroke, her recurring kidney infections/hospitalizations, and taking care of her, the Covid-19 shut down, my illness, Allie’s illness and losing her, and mounting medical bills my body finally reached it’s limit physically, emotionally, and mentally. The inability to talk was the physical manifestation I was done.
It was also an embarrassing experience I had to come to terms with. No, I don’t think anyone should be ashamed of being depressed or overwhelmed. Or of seeking treatment for those conditions. Both responses are normal parts of life for most of us. However, it isn’t for me. Not any more. I spent most of my life in a negative haze of depression. I had no joy. I was suicidal at times. I have no problem admitting I had the pills in hand more than once. Only my fear of being separated from God stopped me from taking them. That and the fear I wouldn’t take enough to actually kill me only cause irreparable physical damage. Yes, I think too much. Even while contemplating offing myself. Yes, I’m laughing at myself and my inherent weaknesses. When I finally fought my way out of that haze a few years back, I decided depression was a state of mind I didn’t have to accept. Not as long as I acknowledged I was prone to slipping into that mindset and I chose to actively fight it by finding something positive in the negative. However, my go-to strategy didn’t work this time. Losing Allie, even though her passing was peaceful and painless, catapulted me into a state of debilitating emotional pain and depression. It also made me combative and impatient. Overwhelmed. Angry. Short-tempered. Not a very nice person to know. Being in extreme physical pain didn’t help. No, that’s not an excuse just a fact. I didn’t even like myself very much which didn’t help my overall state of mind at all.
Over the past couple of weeks I’ve started exiting that dark head space. To do that, I had to make myself find the silver linings in my recent experiences. It wasn’t easy; but, I had to do it. Find those something positives and say them out loud. Over and over until the positive loop started overriding the negative loop already playing in my head. I had to start with the fact that, in the midst of my grief, I still have Stinky to love. He’s my fifteen year old dachshund and the “brother” Allie liked to aggravate. I’m blessed he’s a happy, healthy boy. I’m also fortunate he never really bonded with his “sister” because of their different temperaments so he doesn’t miss her at all. Next, I had to accept new medical bills aren’t the end of the world. They’ll be paid before I know it. Getting out of debt is something I’ve been working towards for a while so I’ve just had to accept that it’ll take a little longer than originally planned. And, finally, while I’m still in mild pain, I’m grateful what’s wrong with my back isn’t anything that can’t be managed with treatment and diet. I don’t need surgery. Lastly, while I still have some occasional blips with my speech, it’s improving every day as I let go of the things that stress me.
In closing, I want to say struggles are a part of life. How we each handle those struggles is what sets us apart from the crowd. Don’t accept being depressed, overwhelmed, or lost. Get help if you need to. There’s no shame in that. I’m grateful for the short-term medication that helped me get control of my emotions to the degree my speech was pretty close to normal in a couple of weeks. I wouldn’t have been there without help. I also want to encourage you not to give up the fight. Whatever the battle, it’s temporary. I can’t promise the struggle you’re going through won’t last days, week, months, or even years. I can promise you’ll emerge on the other side if you don’t give up the fight. I can also assure you, as long as you still have breath, you can rebuilt your life and find some degree of happiness. I know that from experience. I’ve started over so many times it would make your head spin. There’s nothing wrong in that either. We all try. We all fail. If you’re tough enough, you start over again.
I want to encourage you to do just that. Fight the battle, whatever it is, and never give up. When it’s finally done, start over again. Embrace joy where you find it. Understand happiness truly is whatever YOU make it. Where you finally end up might not be the ideal life you imagined. But, it will be the life you make it and that’s a wonderful thing.
Stay strong and I’ll “see” you soon,
Calla
Tori Lennox Author 