My life hasn’t changed that much. I doubt it will. For the past few weeks, I’ve gone to work, come home, and worn a mask when I needed to. Not all that different from the way it’s always been (mask excluded). Not from my perspective. Maybe that’s because I’ve never been “normal.” I’ve spent most of my life on the outside looking in. Feeling more “different” than I probably was. I’m sure a lot of us feel that way at some point in our lives.
However, if you spent any time around me, you’d quickly realize I wasn’t your typical teen-aged anything. For one thing, in spite of my avid pursuit of fashionable clothes, makeup, and hair, I had less innocuous interests as well. All you had to do was skim my reading material to see that.
Tucked among the stacks of dog-eared second-hand Harlequins, historical romances, and fantasy novels, were various archaeology, science, and psychology magazines. Tucked among those were the requisite Cosmo and Glamour just to keep me girlie. Smacked untidily on top of all that you’d find the latest Han Holzer book recounting his most recent paranormal investigations. While I straddled the fence between belief and disbelief, I tilted more in the direction of wanting to believe in things that go bump in the night. You know, ghosts, poltergeists, vampires, werewolves, and aliens. I was young and I enjoyed poking around in crazy places.
However, in spite of my tendencies, I’ve never taken other people’s opinions or facts as my own. I’ve always done my research. So, in spite of what I wanted to believe, I’m not a true believer. I wasn’t then and I’m not now. There are more “things” on earth and in the Heavenlies than we’ll ever understand in spite of our on-going efforts. That includes all the people shouting their beliefs to anyone who will listen without offering reliable proof that isn’t twisted to suit their purposes. I occasionally watch those shows, too, and I have for close to thirty years. I’m not trying to step on anyone’s toes here. I’ve devoted my life to studying ancient and medieval history across multiple cultures and disciplines. I stay pretty up-to-date on the latest discoveries in a lot of different fields that have nothing to do with archaeology. I’m a curious person.
It ‘s never enough to make a statement to the effect of “Is so-and-so true?” then conclude with, “So-and-so say, yes.” as if it’s definitive proof about ANYTHING in life. Just because someone says whatever doesn’t make it true and, yes, I still believe in absolute truths that aren’t fluid. Call it my age, my personality, or my life experience. I call it my need to be fixed in a reality that doesn’t change with the wind and trending opinions. I’m still a “truth-seeker” in a world where absolutes aren’t popular. That doesn’t mean my opinions don’t alter or change as I uncover new information. They can and they do. That’s how we grow and mature as human beings. It’s a valid part of the human experience.
In this age of technology and impatience, we don’t necessarily want that experience. We’re much too easily swayed by what we “google,” see on the news, or read on social media. We don’t take the time to do the in depth research necessary to make informed decisions for ourselves. We rely on others to do that for us.
The problem with that is we’re all biased in some way or the other. Some of us operate in the open; others operate from hidden agendas. That’s just a fact of life. That’s why it’s so important we think for ourselves from an informed position. We can’t blindly follow the herd or get trapped in our fears. I’ve always thought for myself; but, for years, my actions and reactions were influenced by deeply buried traumas and fears. I suspect a lot of us are flopping around in that boat on stormy seas without even realizing it. I never did.
Getting back to my original topic, you’d find my stash of mythology and astrology books under my bed and on my desk. As far as I was concerned, there was a kernel of truth in those myths and I was a “truth-seeker.” I’d go where the research took me. As for the Astrology books, they were empowerment. If you’ve read some of my past posts, you already know I believed if I knew what might happen, I could stop/control what did happen. That mindset is a devious deception that will lead you into making the very decision propelling you into the situation you’re trying to prevent. Again, that attitude is fear based and fear makes you stupid. I know what I’m talking about. I lived with that mindset for many years.
From my present perspective, the best defense against bad things happening is to remain calm, learn from your mistakes, and make wise decisions based on solid research and careful considerations. If you’re a believer, that involves prayer and seeking God’s counsel. If you’re not, it’s a little trickier. My advice is to seek the wisdom of someone you respect and trust who makes the kind of decisions that keeps their life on a positive track. Another thing I’ve learned from experience is, if there’s a voice in your head shouting not to do something, don’t do it. Bluntly, a “what the hell” moment isn’t worth the literal Hell that decision usually leads to. Again, I’ve been there and done that way too many times. Sometimes seemingly bright people can be stubbornly stupid. I’m a case in point.
So, on with the post, and my “magic” bookshelves loaded with everything from raunchy historical romances to books on ancient cultures, UFO’s, and the nineteenth century Spiritualist movement. I was into everything from psychology to black holes. If something had a paranormal or a supernatural bent, I was interested in knowing more. I still am, just from a different perspective. So much of my life was permeated by the Supernatural. It still is. Again, from a different perspective.
However, at that time my seemingly “innocent” pursuit of knowledge and my need to control my life led me deeper into darkness. I learned to cast Astrology charts and read Tarot Cards. I consulted Psychics trying to find stability in my unstable world. As crazy as it sounds now, while I knew I was trafficing in areas I shouldn’t, I didn’t think I was doing anything “wrong.” Maybe not for some people; but, definitely wrong for me and I felt it deep inside. But, I was selectively blind. I was someone who would never touch a oujia board or read ancient spells from a cuneiform text in a history book because I didn’t want those negative words in my head; but, I’d consult a “Christian” medium who spoke words from some “spirit” that scared the heck out of me? What’s screwy about this picture? For the record, I never went back to that woman.
I’m going to wrap this up by saying I was a very lost, confused woman for a lot of years. That’s really what my next book is about. How confusion, low self-esteem, and fear led me down occultic paths that influenced my real-life decisions in destructive ways that reinforced my sense of worthlessness. Even when I walked away from those influences, it took me years to get free of the residual effects. I see that now.
That’s what’s so wonderful about these posts. They take me places I never meant to go. Reveal realities I’d yet to see. Yes, I ramble, and I apologize if that drives you crazy; but, I don’t write from an outline with a succinct message. I write from my heart and soul in the hope I can help myself, as well as you, make sense of an often senseless world.
I’m sure I’ll revisit this topic again; so, until then,
Calla
Tori Lennox Author 