My perception of my universe has greatly changed since writing Been There, Done That. I’ve always seen the hurting people around me and I’ve always tried to help where I can. That hasn’t changed. How I help has. Once upon a time I solved other people’s problems for them. I was quit gifted at that. I couldn’t help myself; but, I could help you and you’d love me for it. I did and they did. As much as anyone loves a convenient problem solver that’s there when you need them and out of sight, out of mind when you don’t.
On the surface that sounds pretty good for the troubled party and not so great for me. You’d be right on both counts. I was getting used and I knew it. However, some part of me hoped the favor would be returned in my hour of need. It never was. While my logical side expected that outcome; the part of me that dared to hope things would be different was devastated. That’s the story of my life until I finally accepted the reality: if you don’t value yourself neither will anyone else. It’s a hard pill to swallow realizing you’re almost fifty-six and you’ve lived forty-six of those years wallowing in nothingness.
Although I’ve said all this before, I’m going to segue into a slightly different direction and return to my initial statement of seeing the world in a different way than I did before writing my book. While I used to solve people’s problems for them, I don’t do that anymore. It doesn’t help either party. While I’m willing to offer clarity if I have anything worthwhile to offer, what you do with my insights is up to you. We each have to work through our problems in a way that works for us. We have to evaluate the situation for ourselves and act accordingly. We’re the one who is actually living through the situation and we’re the one who is privy to all the little nuances we can’t convey.
Why am I writing this? Because I work with a lovely young woman you can’t help but love. I’ve known her for about a year. I don’t know her intimately. I do know a lot of dramas have played out in her life. Through her interactions with co-workers and the way she talks, it’s apparent she doesn’t value herself as she should. Trying events in her personal life reflect that as well. As much as it pains me to say it, I see too much of me in her. Too much of the “nothing” and not enough of that inherent “something” that gives us value. (As a Christian, that something is the fact I know God created me and loves me because I’m His creation. Again, how you find your self-worth is up to you and your personal path. We all choose what we believe.)
I was talking to this young twenty-something a couple of days ago and she said a couple of things I had to gently correct. I’ve talked with her enough to see her “humility” for what it really is: a total lack of self-worth. I called her on it the other day and she agreed. I don’t know her past or what has caused her to feel the way she feels about herself. If I had to hazard a guess based on the little I know, I’d say she’s been betrayed by too many people she loved who should have loved her in return. Not all of them the men in her life although this last betrayal was definitely the man in her life.
Since I’ve talked to her about what I’ve seen on several occasions to no real effect, I finally offered to give her my book. Let her see the similarities between us for herself. She gladly accepted. I probably should have done that a long time ago; but, it seemed arrogant to me. Like I was doing something somehow self-serving. This time it didn’t feel that way.
Given the current betrayal she’s going through right now, she might be able to identify a little more with some of my experiences than she would have in the past. While our situations aren’t the same, the betrayal is similar. Someone we trusted betrayed us in the worst possible way.
For her, the man she loved walked out on her and his responsibilities. Adding insult to injury, he made their shared workplace so hostile towards her that it was healthier for her to leave a job she needed than be tormented by her co-workers. For me, my white collar, well educated ex-husband beat me and gave me to other men betraying our marriage vows and shattering any remaining self-worth I had. As she’ll see in my book, I was about her age when that happened. I escaped him; but, the patterns were set and the damage was done. Truthfully, the initial damage was done ten years before; but, this was the event that finished me off for the next twenty plus years.
It’s my hope reading my book will help my friend to see herself in a different light. That she’ll begin to see herself the way we see her and find her self-worth. I’m not saying my book will “cure” her. Far from it. But, I am saying she may find some tools she can use to help her on her journey of restoration. While my healing started with a return to my faith, that didn’t suddenly heal me. I’m not saying the Lord can’t do that, He can. I am saying it didn’t happen with me.
To heal, I had to face every brutal thing that ever happened to me. I had to confront every experience head on with complete honesty. I had to work through forty-five years of rage and self-loathing. I had to take responsibility for every bad choice I made that put me in a position to get hurt. But, I didn’t have to take responsibility for what other people did to me. That was their choice and their responsibility. I did have to forgive them and forgive myself. I had to fight every day to change the script in my head. To change the words I said to myself and about myself. I still fight that battle every day. But, I’m so much better than I used to be.
To be honest, I believe that’s the single most important step to emotional healing. You have to stop speaking words of destruction to yourself about yourself. You have to stop speaking them to other people. You have to replace your usual vocabulary with words that reinforce you have value both to yourself and other people. At first, it feels wrong. Like you’re being self-serving. You aren’t. You’re reprogramming yourself to expect to be treated with the same love and respect you treat other people.
In my book, that’s the only way to live.
Until next time,
Calla
Tori Lennox Author 