Today is the day I “officially” started writing Book Two of Been There, Done That. I won’t be calling the book by that name; but, it’s the working title in my mind. While I don’t have the story fully outlined yet, I do know most of the concepts I want to explore. These ideas have been roughed out since I realized there were a lot of “that’s a subject for another book” moments in my story long before the first book was done. As this second manuscript becomes a probability, the idea of writing another nonfiction is both exciting and daunting at the same time.
Nonfiction isn’t a genre I ever considered writing. In fact, it’s so not in my wheelhouse if you’d asked me to write something true a year ago, I would have said I couldn’t do it. I so don’t do nonfiction. Not my thing. I’d have believed it, too. I’m a romance/mystery kind of girl. My writing portfolio consists of historical romances, contemporary romances, romantic suspense, and a whole lot of fanfic for The Mentalist tv show. There isn’t a whisper of nonfic in my past endeavors. However, old dogs can learn new tricks and, what I though I couldn’t write, I actually did.
Right now, I’m in the earliest stages of creation. It’s that strange period where I freeform write excerpts from my life as my outline gradually defines itself. I know my style breaks every rule of writing; but, I have to relive these periods to be able to write them. Forget the brainstorming and the planning. It’s much too early. There has to be a raw, conversational element to my story that comes from the heart. I can only get that by reliving the events and walking them out in my mind with brutal honesty.
What I do know is, this book is about all the years I spent dabbling in the “Occult” although I didn’t see it that way at the time. I made up all kinds of excuses to convince myself what I was doing wasn’t wrong even though I knew it was in the back of my mind. I needed some manner of control in a life where I believed I had none. I craved some manner of protection from the molesters and the bullies inhabiting my life. Some part of me thought I could have that if I could discern my future before it happened. That was a bad move on my part. A very bad move. It was also a move that negatively impacted my life for years to come. While I knew life didn’t work that way, I wanted it to and I tried to make it happen. I really did.
I followed my own rules which meant I’d do this; but, I wouldn’t do that. For example, I’d read Tarot Cards; but, I wouldn’t touch a Ouija Board. I’d read about witchcraft; but, I wouldn’t read the spells. I wouldn’t put the words in my head. Even though I wasn’t a Charismatic at the time, I knew words had power. I didn’t know how I knew it. I just did. I believe now that the Holy Spirit only let me flirt around the edges of paganism. As much as different aspects of different religions caught my interest, I could never shake my grounding belief in my Biblical God and Jesus. Added to that, I believed in demonic influences and Spiritual Warfare. I still do. So, while I’d edge my big toe right up to outright paganism, I just couldn’t cross the line.
Looking back, my reasoning was flawed and sad. I wasn’t looking for Spiritual fulfillment. I was looking for control. Those are two very different things. I believed strongly in God and, in my mind, I was a Christian. With hindsight, I was wrong. I was simply a Spiritual Seeker who believed the Christian God existed instead. I wasn’t a Christian by any means. I wasn’t an outright Pagan either. I was something in between which meant I was truly nothing because I lacked the conviction of either cause. My God was the harsh judge of the Old Testament. Not the Jesus who was willing to die for me. There’s so much more I could say here; but, this isn’t a post about my personal religious beliefs so I won’t.
I won’t write this second book from the perspective occult practices are evil although I feel that way based on my personal experiences. I know the insatiable hunger that grew in me to Tarot cards for anyone interested. I felt it several times over the years I read the cards. I had to shove my decks in a drawer and walk away for a few months to break the hunger. It was very unsettling at the time. If my friend who taught me to read Tarots hadn’t told me I could feel that way and how to break it, I would have been terrified when I started feeling so out of control. More importantly, I may have missed what was happening and gotten trapped even deeper in darkness than I already was. However, while a real experience, that’s not really what my book is about either.
My story is more about the patterns and practices I fell into trying to control my environment to keep from getting molested and/or hurt again. The sad part of the story is that, instead of preventing more destruction in my life, the very things I did only made me more vulnerable to making the bad choices that took me further into the nightmare my life eventually became. That connection is what I believe I’ll be exploring more than the actual occult practices.
As this post draws to a close, I’m off to work on developing the actual manuscript. This should have been up days ago; but, my 90 year old mother took a very bad fall a couple of weeks ago. She’s been in the hospital two hours away since. Her health was very precarious until a couple of days ago so I haven’t felt much like writing although I’ve tinkered with this page here and there. She’s now in Rehab and well on her way to her full recovery. She started turning that corner on Thursday night. By yesterday the Mom I know was back filled with her usual strong, unshakeable faith and fire. God gave her a sudden miracle healing almost overnight. She still has a way to go before she comes home; but, she’s a totally different person than she was two short days ago. Once that happened, I was able to return to my writing assignment with a clear head and a grateful heart.
Have a wonderful weekend. I’ll have another post or two over the next week or so. I’m on vacation so I’ll have the time to write and I’m looking forward to seeing what comes next. Thank you for reading and liking my posts. This is all a learning experience for me so any feedback is greatly appreciated.
Calla
Tori Lennox Author 