I started writing this post two weeks ago. I didn’t get anywhere. The words refused to flow. I knew what I wanted to say. The how was eluding me. My timing was off. Abandoning the moment, I moved on to a message that was ready to live knowing I’d revisit this idea at a later date. That date is now.
While I fully embrace letting go of the past, there are aspects of our existence we should never forget. Like the crazy moments we lock away as we emerge from the chrysalis of our old lives into the new. Doing that may prove a big mistake. The key to healing is often in the little thoughts skittering across the surface of our mind when we least expect them. The ones unnoticed and unharvested from seeds planted long ago. The so-called irrelevant ones we never think to capture when opportunity blooms.
I’m still unraveling “irrelevant” thoughts I had from my teens. Still gaining insights that might have changed the course of my life a long time ago. If I’d had the wisdom to see what my subconscious was trying to tell me. While I do believe in the subconscious, I’m also a Charismatic Christian at this point in my life. So, my personal belief in this instance, is that God was trying to head me off at the pass. Prevent me from hitting that point of no return where it took me a good forty years meandering through my personal wilderness to find my way back to Him. Unfortunately, the “animals” inhabiting the wasteland of my existence were “two-leggers”. I would have probably done better with the four-leggers.
At the rate I’m going, this may end up being a two-parter. I don’t know. I do know I can’t seem to get where I want to go by the direct path. There are too many rabbit trials to explore along the way. One of them is the issue I have with anyone who writes a book from the perspective they did this and everything wrong was suddenly right again. The one’s who claim, if you follow their lead, the same will happen to you. I’ve read plenty of those, they didn’t work, and I’m certainly not making that claim. I never will. I’m still a work in progress. I still have issues I take to God everyday. I’m very much that broken vessel you read about and I know it.
But, I’m in a much healthier place than I’ve been since I was molested as a little kid. I understand happy again. I have value in my eyes once again. I have hope. I know the latter part of my life will be better than the first fifty-five years. As crazy as this sounds, I don’t feel anywhere near my chronological age. There’s still a childlike part of me that views the world with expectation and wonder anticipating the days when she’ll experience the hopes and dreams stolen long ago. That knowledge gives me the courage to write the way I do. Conversationally. Like we’re exchanging pleasantries over a cup of tea. I prefer coffee; but, I do drink tea.
Back to what I was originally saying. I can’t promise to have all the answers you need. I can say I might have some of them. Especially if your self-esteem issues are similar to mine. I can only say read my book, look at my life, take anything you need from the lessons I’ve learned, and apply that to your life. Find your own way. Take responsibility for your existence. Understand there are always consequences for our actions. No-one can get around that. If you do something stupid that spawns a nightmare, the mess you created is yours . Own it, do what has to be done, learn from it, and move on. Don’t keep doing the same thing and getting the same result because it’s easier to pass the buck than be responsible. As contrary as this might sound, there are many times when it isn’t the event itself that’s import. It’s the gleaning of the invaluable life lesson that transitions us from darkness into light that is.
There are a lot of lessons I didn’t learn, or that I willfully ignored, over the course of my life. One of the most profound was that damaged people attract damaged people. Believe me, I knew I was damaged. I knew I was nothing. But, I desperately wanted someone to prove me wrong. For most of us, real life doesn’t work that way. We end up attracting people like us or worse who only hurt us more. Or, if that exception happens, we often end up opening another can of worms that’s equally self-destructive in a different way.
There’s no denying my-self perception made me prey for nasty characters. The kind who intentionally hide their evil until it’s too late. Until the trap is sprung and you’re caught in their deceptions. There were times when the fight to get away didn’t seem worth the effort. Let me tell you right now, it’s worth whatever it takes (within reason – I’m not telling you to harm anyone in anyway) to free yourself from damaging influences.
The single thing I could have done several times in my life was to actually deal with the bad things that were happening to me instead of hiding them. While I understand I was a child when things started going downhill, that doesn’t change the fact I immediately, and very normally, thought I was responsible for what happened to me. That there was something wrong with me instead of something wrong with the people who hurt me.
Over time, that became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Where there was nothing wrong with me initially except I had a perverse father, something very wrong developed in my identity over time. Eventually, my self-perception telegraphed a neon sign over my head that said, “My name is nothing.” that, while invisible to me, was very visible to every predator out there. For the most part, I managed to steer clear of the obvious ones who hadn’t perfected their disguises. When it came to the “professionals,” I wasn’t quite so lucky. They usually slithered out of their holes about the time I was lonely and vulnerable. The rest is history.
Why am I saying all of this? Because I was a forgiving, resilient kid. Being such, I believe I could have ended the hell before it ever really began. If I’d told my Mom my Dad was touching me inappropriately the first time it happened those feelings of unworthiness would never have blossomed. Whether she would have left him or not, I don’t know. I do know what he was doing would have stopped and I could forget the rest of my life. It wouldn’t have happened. Not the way it did. I would have had a shot at a normal life with the normal ups and downs that are part of living. Yes, I would have gotten hurt. We all do. I just wouldn’t have been decimated and reduced to nothing in my mind.
This is probably the point where I should wrap this up. It’s not a two-parter. Just longer than I usually write. Summing up my ramblings, all I’m really saying is I’d advise you to take a long hard look at your life and the people around you – especially the one’s who influence you the most. Do it frequently. Take stock of the emotional dings and lacerations you don’t want to face. Don’t let them fester. Deal with them instead. Be honest with yourself. Accept your responsibility in the matter. Don’t blame yourself for what other people have done. That’s their responsibility. Hold them accountable.
However, don’t make excuses for yourself or others. That was the pervasive mantra in my life. It was easier to find an excuse than it was to dig around in a gaping wound. Slapping the excuse bandage over the soul defeats the whole purpose of personal accountability. Don’t do it. Look at the people in your life instead. If they’re detrimental to your well-being, relegate them to your outer circle of acquaintances. If you need to get them out of your life temporarily, or permanently, do so. It doesn’t matter if you love them and/or they love you. Sometimes the people we love the strongest damage us the most.
On that note, we’re done. I’m waiting for my e-book to make it through Amazon’s review to go live. It’s been a rugged few weeks since I started this blog and thought I was going one way with the book and ended up going another. I had it up. I took it down. It wasn’t ready. Or maybe I wasn’t. So, I basically started over. Not with the writing – with the exterior packaging. It’s been an experience. Exciting; but, an experience. I’m still waiting on the new cover for the print version, so that’ll be coming later. I’ll throw a notice up here when it’s ready. It doesn’t make sense to keep referring to Been There, Done That...Had the Smashed Up Face to Prove It if it’s not out there should you want to read it to understand where I’m coming from.
Until next time,
Calla
Tori Lennox Author 